Young Writers Society

Ooh, competition. Better make this good.

First off, your link to the picture is broken. It's definitely a difficult picture, but you've done well. The concept is sound- Wedding day doubts, missing father, some sort of moral lesson. But there is an undeniable problem with the last part. Elinor is right: the moral is very obvious and spoon fed to the reader, although her interpretation of the moral is very... interesting. This is half story, half monologue about religion and morals. It is just silly, really. You have a decent set up, and then, baaam, feminine personification of god emerges randomly from the woods to tell a lesson. It seems like you tried really, really hard to get the religious part to fit in here somewhere. But it really just doesn't work. In an attempt to teach the reader a lesson, all you've taught them is how boring it is when someone tries to teach you a lesson. I'm sure she can come to this lesson through some introspective thought or interactions or something, but in the very least don't do what you did here. There are some other quips, too. Everything you write seems a bit forced and over emotional, with some abysmal lines like “Please, you’re going to make me cry and then my make-up will be ruined," and "swallowing past the lump of emotion in her throat." Some bits are just over dramatic, unemotional, and out of place. You'll see what I mean if you read it aloud. Just try to get rid of the fluff emotion and get to the raw stuff. Also, show more, tell less! It's hard in this situation, but try to find a way.

Keep writing (and good luck),
-Critiq

Hello there!
I agree with Hawkie. This story was good, but it was way too preachy. The moral was incredibly obvious, and it seemed more like a lecture. God loves us even when we do wrong things. We've all heard it before. It's okay to have a moral to your story, but make sure too have other elements for the story to focus on.
Otherwise, I think it was well-written, and that you should keep on writing. PM with questions.

Hi there! I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today. The red letters are the things I've corrected, and the bold letters are my comments.

Elise stood before the full-length mirror, assessing her appearance. While she had always expected to get married, the fact that it was her wedding #FF0000 ">day still seemed surreal. You didn't need the comma after "day."Sighing, she smoothed down the front of her ivory dress.

“You look gorgeous!” #FF0000 ">her mother gushed, tears already brimming around her pale green eyes. “Oh, my baby girl.”

“Mama.” Elise embraced her mother, swallowing past the lump of emotion in her throat. "Please, you’re going to make me cry and then my make-up will be ruined.”

“Oh, I know. I’m sorry. It’s just that#FF0000 ">, oh, you look like an angel.”

Elise turned back to the mirror and figured she did look slightly angelic with her satin gown. She smiled, remembering the tiresome search for The Dress. When she had tried on this dress, with it’s off-the shoulder sleeves and a train that dragged on for yards, she had felt like a goddess. It was sexy yet modest, traditional yet unique and it fit her perfectly.

“Ms. Hamilton?” There was a knock on the door of the bridal room. “They are ready to escort you to your seat.”

Elise gave her mother one last hug before her mom was led out of the room by one of the ushers. Elise sighed again. Why was there this gnawing sadness inside her when this was supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life? Elise knew the answer, but she was afraid to admit it, even to herself. There was no one there to walk her down the aisle.

When Elise was just eight years old, her father just vanished. She could still remember coming home from school to find her mother sitting at the kitchen table, sobbing. It was painfully uncomfortable for Elise, as she had never seen her mother so depressed. In her hand was a tear-stained letter. There was a single sentence scribbled on the page. I’m sorry, but I just don’t love you anymore.

Up until this day, Elise had never really thought of her father. The emotions were too painful, so she had just erased the memory of him. As if he had never existed. But now, as guests filled the church, Elise realized how much she had needed a father in her life.

He was never at her soccer games or her dance recitals. She never got a birthday card or a phone call from him. She didn’t know the first thing about having a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. When she was sixteen, her mother was always working at her restaurant and since her father wasn’t there, Elise taught herself to drive. When she graduated from high school, she didn’t have a father to tell her how proud he was of her.

Now, on the day that she would change her last name, she didn’t have a daddy to walk her down the aisle and give her away. Fighting to keep the turmoil that was boiling up inside from spilling over, Elise found herself running out of the church. She didn’t even pay attention to where she was going, she just picked up her skirts and ran into the dense forest that surrounded the church.

She could hear people shouting her name, but she just kept running. What she was running from, she wasn’t sure. She stumbled over a stone and almost fell. Catching her breath, Elise noticed that she was in a domed stone structure. The columns that were once white, were now a rusted brown. The yellowed ceiling was slowly being taken over by thick ivy and graffiti. I really like your description of the chapel.Behind Elise there were several steps leading up to a crumbling altar and towering over it was a metal cross.

Although Elise had never considered herself a #FF0000 ">devout Christian, she still believed in God. Feeling magnetically drawn to the altar, she took a step towards the cross and then another. Then she was leaning against the altar, sobs racking her #FF0000 ">body as she cried out for comfort.

“Please God! Take this pain away! I don’t understand! I don’t understand!” She moaned, her mascara running down her face in black streaks. “Why? Why did he leave? What did I do wrong?”

“Oh, #FF0000 ">Child, you did nothing wrong.” The woman’s voice was sweet and low.

Elise jumped, as she turned to face the stranger. Never had Elise seen someone so beautiful. She had long silvery blonde hair and the darkest blue eyes. The woman approached and Elise felt a wave of peace wash over her. “W-Who are you?”

“My name is Andela. I did not mean to startle you.” She touched Elise’s arm and Elise was surprised by how warm and comforting it was. “He understands your pain.”

“Who?” Elise wiped at her tears, realizing that she probably looked a mess.

“God.” Andela pointed to the cross. “He wants you to know that you are not alone. #FF0000 ">Psalm sixty-eight five says that God is the father to the fatherless.”

Elise stepped back in shock. “How do you know that-”

“God wants you to know that you are his child, his Beloved.” Andela stepped forward, brushing a strand of Elise’s dark brown hair out of her eyes. It was then that Elise noticed the silver cross dangling from the woman’s pale neck.

“Do you work at the church?” Elise asked, turning to face the altar.

“I suppose you could say that.” She was a curious person. Her appearance was flawless and yet that was not what made her beautiful. It was something from within that radiated out. Perhaps it was the unadulterated joy in her eyes or the aura of tranquility that encompassed her. “Do you know why I am here?”

“To tell me everything that God wants me to know?”

Andela smiled, a soft laugh escaping her lips. “No, I am here because you asked for me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t understand why your father deserted you. You don’t understand why God could be so cruel to a good person like you.” Andela settled down on the top step, her midnight blue gown billowing out around her. “Families on earth are meant to be a wonderful gift from God, but because of the selfish human spirit, they are temporary and fragile. Easily destroyed.”

Elise sighed, relating with the truth of her statement. Her family was destroyed in a blink of an eye.

“Ah, but it wasn’t completely destroyed.” Andela said, as if she could read Elise’s thoughts. “What of your mother? And your little sister?”

Elise had to agree with her on that. Even with all of the damage her father had caused, Elise had grown up in a house full of love. She and her sister were like best friends and her mother had never disappointed her. “Still, that doesn’t fill the void my father left behind.”

“That’s because no earthly thing can fill that void. Even if your father did suddenly appear and walk you down the aisle, you’d still have that emptiness inside you.” Andela stood up and grabbed a hold of Elise’s hand. Her skin was so soft, like velvet. “There is only One who can fill that hole in your soul.”

“You mean God? But I’m already a Christian.”

“Saying that you believe in God doesn’t make you a Christian. Going to church on Christmas Eve doesn’t guarantee you a spot in Heaven.” Andela’s voice took on a desperate edge, as if she didn’t have much time left. “Do you know John three sixteen?”

“God so loved the world,” Elise began.

Andela placed a hand on her lips to silence her. “God so loved Elise Hamilton. Ask Him to fill that void.”

Elise closed her eyes, sighing heavily. “I want Him to fill it, but-” Elise opened her eyes and realized she was alone. Surprised, she searched the woods but caught no glimpse of the strange woman. Shaking her head, she wondered if it had all been a dream.

Looking up at the cross, Elise whispered a silent prayer. Please, Lord come into my heart. I need a Father who will not forsake me.

“Elise?” Veronica’s voice caused Elise to startle from her reverie. “Is everything okay?”

“It is now#FF0000 ">,” Elise replied, smiling at her little sister.